so much today, overbearing. stressed, tired, scared, overwhelmed, indecisive. im not trying to be noble, im just trying to find what is 'right' for me. for a lack of a better word. i thought talking would resolve it, it has only made it more imminent. im not happy with my life, right now. but, i dont know if moving out will solve it. it will aide. most definitely. the more i talk, the more advice, the more confused i end up trying to weigh everyones opinions. this is something i have to decide alone. however helpful.
both situations will be stressful. i just dont like the fact that i am eighteen and still have to supress who i am. i can for another year. ive done it this long. but im really drained and tired from supressing myself. i want to be accepted by my parents, but i know that is not possible. if i move out, i feel i will be stressed financially. but able to relax, discover, and show myself. i like the idea of change, the unsurity of the future. i feel like if i stay at home, it will be another year of 'high school'. be restricted to my two nights a week, go to class, go to work, and eat dinner with my mom and dad. i want something different. but, i feel the opposite will classify me as a moocher. i dont want to become a bother to my sister and nate and to my friends. then comes the issue of a car. my siblings and the majority of my friends are telling me i need a car to move out. im perfectly fine with walking. timing is the issue. i dont think a car is the answer, nor do i really want to deal with the payments, insurance, gas, etc.
i know the 'financially wise' thing to do is stay at home, live from my parents as long as possible. i cant describe the emptiness. the resentment. somedays are fine and i really think i can do it. i get upset at myself for not being thankful, for not realizing how good i have it. sometimes i think i paint it out to be worse than the situation truly is. but the negative always always always outweighs the good. i cant stand never being good enough, being on such a tight leash, always being afraid. i hate that im the youngest. that i have to stay here alone. that i have to do this last. this is just a huge decision for me. and once i decide, i dont even know how to go about it. meeeeh.
